Finding Peace

So many times and so many different places I have gone to try to get some peace but everywhere I go I can’t get the peace I need to focus on the things I need to get done. If it’s not one reason it’s another and it’s not for a lack of trying that I can’t find peace, it’s because people can’t leave a person alone when they can see they are busy doing something. I have gone out of my way to find places that I wouldn’t be bothered by anyone, ridden my bike miles sometimes and still someone has to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong, make some distracting sound, or something to annoy me to the death.

Trying to get some peace in today’s world is almost impossible. The phone will ring just as you sit down to get comfortable, or your friend shows up to distract you from anything you are doing. Have you noticed the volume on the television will increase on commercials just to get your attention off of whatever it is your doing and look at what they want you to see? So trying to get and stay focused is frustrating.

There are those people too who do these kinds of things on purpose to keep a person from being able to focus or get anything important done. These people work on the dismantle and destroy team of evil and they are everywhere. They will keep a person moving around for different reasons of course. For example, a person can’t use the phone if it’s not charged. A computer is useless unless it is charged right? If you are only able to plug in your device for a few minutes here and a few minutes there your phone will not have enough charge in it if you need to call for help for some unknown reason.

For many years I did my best to be nice and excuse myself, then I would have to pack up all my stuff and go on another search for someplace I won’t be bothered. I told a guy the other day that I was busy working on something but this had no effect, he just kept talking. Then the next day I go to the same place I have been going to write because of the free internet access, I see him. It looks like he is waiting for me so I don’t go there even though I need to get on the computer and do some important work. The next day I get up and head to the same spot with internet access that I have been going to for months but there he is again, damned if he doesn’t just stalk me down and start the chatter all over again talking about the same things he was talking about before that I don’t care about. Now I have to find a different location for free internet access that I can sit which also has an electrical outlet in case I need a charge.

I am seriously reaching my wits end, it is becoming hard to be nice to people who only want to keep me from moving forward. Keeping me from doing things that need to get done by those who say they care about me and only want the best for me has to be the most disturbing because these are the ones I would think would want me to succeed but my mom is the one who triggers me the most and I have caught her doing it on more than one occasion on purpose.

It looks as if I am going to have to disappear from everyone and everything to get some peace and to start a new life for myself, this one is still not working out well because of people putting things in my way so I can’t move out of this rut. It must be safe for them to keep me down, I have news for all of you who keep me down on purpose…. your time will come!


Starting Again

I get tired of always having to start over, leaving my things because it’s a better idea to walk away, or I lose my things because other people think they need something more than I do and they steal from me. It really isn’t about the material things because God does give you what you need but it is frustrating when you constantly have to replace the things you need the most in order just to look human.

Trying to recover myself from long term effects of abuse is hard when it’s gone on for so long, when a person constantly hears how they are wrong, or been called stupid, slow or an idiot, they start to believe those things. On one level I know I’m not stupid, slow, or an idiot, but I sure do feel that way for putting up with so much crap from men again and again. The feeling of stupidity comes from not seeing these things right off and falling victim over and over.

I turned 51 this past July and I have never been married, I guess my expectations are too high and I have never met anyone who has come close to what I want in a husband. The one time I thought I met the perfect person but it turned out to be one of the most hurtful experiences of my adult life when he cheated and sent me a video of it. I’m really glad that I didn’t go forth with that one considering how it ended. My point is that after so many bad relationships it’s hard to think of starting with someone new. I have come to the conclusion that I won’t ever find the right partner, someone it would be effortless to be with is not easy to find in life. Someone who would protect me above all else is impossible to find when money comes into play it seems.

When meeting a new person these days all they seem to want to do is hang out and get in your pants, there is no dating to get to know one another, they don’t even really want to spend time over a cup of coffee. Sex is overrated and not worth the trouble. The last person who approached me said to me, “want to hang out and smash?” I didn’t even know what it meant when he said smash, I had to ask him what that meant. I was put off by this because how easy it seems for this generation to crawl in the sack with someone they don’t know. How do they know that person doesn’t have a bunch of diseases?

The fact is people just don’t care like they used to but I still do. My loyal nature stands alone most of the time and it is lonely. I love my children and I think they know that but they have been taken from me like everything else I love. It seems like I am not allowed to keep anything I love because someone else thinks they can do better than I can. My children suffer and nobody cares that Social Services is the ones to blame for where they are now and that he is the one to blame for where I am at.

I will make my way back to where I was and I refuse to start again this time when so many know what it is I live for.

Decision Making

On a normal day everybody’s day starts the same way, getting up out of bed, then you make coffee, you get dressed, and then plan your day. Some days are relaxed and some days there is so much to do you have to prioritize what’s most important. For me, I like structure and I hate surprises or when things come up that I don’t plan for. It throws things into a disorganized mess that I didn’t have any part of.

Sometimes people will come into your life that think they can force you to make a decision by simply putting you on the spot, it is as simple as asking you a question. Let’s say you meet a new person and you don’t really know this person but you think they are alright because talking to them is not complicated so you start to like this person as a new possible friend. I exchanged phone numbers so we could text, no big deal. Soon I’m getting messages from this person and then the calls. I make it clear that I don’t take phone calls but he tries to call me and get me on the phone anyway. He tells me how he would like to call one time and I answer the phone. I have already told him at this point more than once I don’t take phone calls. Then he tells me how he would like to call one time and I answer the phone. At this point I have already told him more than once that I don’t take phone calls. This is a power move by someone who has control issues.

Let’s say your walking with someone and you always go the same way because you know you will be safe but the person who is walking with you drops something, so you start to look for the item but can’t find it. This person decides to empty all of his pockets and now has a bunch of stuff on the ground in a big mess. He knows your in a hurry because you have to be home to get the call from your kids but he keeps looking through the crap he just took out of his pockets and then finally finds what he thought he had lost. This is time manipulation, they take up the time you need for you and your phone call with your kids out of your hands and make you look like an idiot when it comes time to explain why you missed the call.

These people are wretched and havo zero concern for anything but what they want no matter who they have to step on, manipulate, and sometimes they are very patient for years while they fuck with you from afar. This is true shit here, think about a community somebody you know lives in and they know you by name only, some have met your sister, niece, nephew, but not you. All of your family members create a picture of you with characteristics that aren’t the greatest and some are untrue. A negative story is started and boom, you can’t even move around without people in your business and basically in your ass. Eventually you get tired because it’s so difficult to move forward when you have to convince everybody what is true and what is just a story someone made up to get you fucked up. For whatever reason they see is good enough they will steal your power and ability to move forward and that gives them the ability to move forward leaving you in the dirt while they are laughing at you.

How about this one, it’s the best one they have but now I see what people who have power control issues do to those less fortunate than they are. They invite you to live either with them or someplace they own knowing you need a place to stay and this makes them look good because it seems as if they are good for the community by helping people. They make you comfortable enough to get somewhat comfortable so you move your belongings into the place so it feels like a home instead of a trap house. The whole time your gut is telling you something doesn’t feel right but you brush it off. A few weeks go by and suddenly something happens that you have to move and someone is usually causing a big scene for any reason possible. This makes it impossible for you to gather all of your belongings before you have to leave, everyone gets to go through everything you have at the house and take what they want. They somehow turn things around and make it seem like you did something wrong and blame you for a situation that had nothing to do with you and now you look like someone who can’t be trusted to the community plus they took all your stuff so you have nothing that you need or makes you feel comfortable. They seem to target things that would give you security like lock boxes, bicycles, hygiene, things a person needs to cook or a coffee pot.

These things are effective when applied to the same person for many years, it dumbs a person down and makes them unable to function on a normal level of everyday things. The ability to accomplish everyday simple tasks becomes a never ending battle and you find yourself sitting staring at the floor for hours at a time. So in order to get through these times start with making a list of just a couple things to begin with, simple things so you don’t get overwhelmed. If you have to drag your ass to get the things on your list done, do it. Always start by getting yourself on point, where you look presentable to public at least. I usually start with dragging myself through the shower and getting dressed, even if it takes hours because you really can’t accomplish anything unless you are put together first.

These little steps will help start regaining control of your life and stop the vampires from stealing your joy and sucking the life right out of you. So take care of you because nobody is going to do it for you and you are worth everything God has made you to be.

Also remember things have consequences so if you really want to play this game with me you best know what field I play on or your in trouble.


Thank You Kyle

As you know by now if you have read any of my stories, I question what my life has turned into. I am accustomed to having everything I need and more, because I worked for it. I paid my own bills and had nice things with plenty of money left over, so this is why I feel so shitty about how my life has turned into a living nightmare at times.

I was out on the street after the big ordeal with my mom’s office lady and I had been hanging with a man named Kyle, he was the first person I met when I was able to finally able to get up and around. It had taken some time before I was able to unwrap my hands and leg and have the strength to ride a bicycle again but I got there pretty quick. I met Kyle at the Circle K down the street , I sat and spoke with him for a while and noticed almost immediately how smart he was. I got no bad feeling from him, nothing saying he was up to no good, no red flags, this was a rare thing for me. I trusted he was genuine and had no ill intent toward me or anyone for that matter so when I went to the street I looked to see where he was.

It didn’t take long for me to find him, his mom works close by and I know he watches out for her around here because there are shady people who take advantage of others everywhere you go. I found out after hanging out with him for a day or two he takes pretty good care of his mom, that’s a quality I don’t see often and this guy has many qualities I haven’t seen in men at 50. I kind of already had met his mom on a few occasions so I started hanging out with her at night which helped out everyone.

Any place you go there is a homeless community with resources for food, shelters, among other resources usually so when I first left mom’s I checked into all of the community resources they had but found out Apache Junction has no shelters. I ended up sleeping and spending most of my time inside a glow sign for Hardee’s and Circle K off the highway. One night I pulled some pallets out of the middle of the field and surrounded it with cardboard boxes and put down some blankets, that’s where I slept. It made due for the night but I woke up sore from sleeping on the hard pallets. I put cardboard on them but it made no difference as far as softness went, my main concern was keeping the big black bugs off me while I was asleep.

After being out on the street I noticed what a difference it is being here on the street compared to Colorado. I had a conversation with Kyle’s mom about going in on some kind of property or house together so it would get all of us off the street. Not long after having that conversation with her Kyle came and told me he had a place for us to stay, a real place. I was sceptical as usual and since I question everything I had to see if this was legit.

It’s been a couple of weeks now and it is legit, he is helping the people who own it fix it up and it was certainly a mess! Kyle has done an amazing job at cleaning out the filthy clutter outside. It has a huge yard but you couldn’t tell with all the shit that was in it. I have never seen anyone work so hard to make sure his mom and friend were taken care of. What a selfless act of kindness!

Population used to be more good , I mean they were generally good rather than bad but I see that it has switched throughout the years. More people could learn how to be kind by following the example of this 30 year old man named Kyle and if your older than that and don’t have these simple qualities….shame on you.

Take Care


To Love And Be Loved

Finding true love almost never happens, as you see in movies and in life everyday when people say I love you to one another it’s never the way God intended it to be. There are struggles, yes, but in relationships there will be issues that come up and you work together to resolve whatever it may be about. It’s the commitment to communicate that is the most important in this story because in order to be able to grow and live life together with another person as your partner it takes work and dedication to be happy.

I still believe love exists, just not for me. I have given all I can to love and found out that most people are out for themselves and they are part of the dismantle and destroy crue. I have used so much energy trying to find a partner only to find out how much time I wasted when I should have just listened to my instincts. I can’t trust anymore, not that I really did to begin with, but since the last time I had put faith in someone I considered to be my partner it turned out really bad. I put my guard down to believe this man would protect me even though I knew he was not the most upstanding citizen. In the beginning he did and continued to through many years but then one day the evil in him took over and he was gone. It is very sad because I did love this person and was in love with him in every sense of the words “head over heels” and everyone could see it except him I guess.

I only wish for the love to return to the planet so our young ones can have a chance at true happiness, and the ability to grow old together and find that life was good when reaching the end. Good stories to share with their grandchildren at Christmas time that are full of love will bring hope, and I believe that growing up listening to stories of love will help continue to mold the way for love in their future.

I sit back and watch couples today and I don’t see the same as I did before when two people in love would look at each other. It looks different, and controlled. I was reading the bible one day curious what Jesus says about love and his vision for us. I found the story to be very compelling, and the way love was seen was beautiful and effortless. That’s the way it was for me and Jack, it was so much fun to be around him, when we would have fun together it was effortless. People seemed to be jealous of the way we would get along and play. I always wondered why everyone didn’t get alone this way and what is the reason that makes them disrespect each other in public when they are supposed to have each other’s back no matter what, right, wrong, or indifferent.

The willingness to bear all and commit to communicate all things to one another are the contributing factors that will determine how deep the hearts will go with one another. Instead of cutting yourself off completely from this chance at true love and happiness look for the small signs I talk about early on in your relationship to see if the Red Flags are present, this will help you to build some trust slowly with the other person and it will also tell you if you should get out before things go bad.

Use the brain and rational thinking before just jumping into a relationship with your heart so you are solid all the way through and won’t have to wonder when it’s going to go down hill. No guessing in the protection of your kids, you will already have built that security in your judgement about your partner based on facts not fiction. There is nothing wrong with being cautious especially these days. Too many people take advantage of any situation they can and want to ruin you just because they can, it’s a sad reality but good people are still out there….somewhere.

Take Care,


The Way I See

I have always been able to see what the “normal” person doesn’t, or can’t. For whatever reason the spiritual aspect of life most people choose to say that it doesn’t exist, or the try to verify that ghosts are real with facts and that never works out because there is no real tangible proof that those things are real.

I remember I was quite young when my mom had brought me a game from somewhere. I took it downstairs and opened it. When I took it out of the box I noticed it only had two parts, the board and the little piece that goes on top. The board had the alphabet on it and the piece that went on top looked like an upside down heart. This was no game as I found out later. It was a Ouija Board, otherwise known as a Spirit Board. My mom told me we were all playing with this thing when all of a sudden all of the other kids came running up the stairs screaming, except me. My mom told me that I walked up slowly rubbing my hands together and then sat down. She said I was talking to myself saying ” no one will ever find me here”. I find this story a little strange itself but I seem to remember it.

Throughout the years I have known about my ability to see beyond sight, some things are good to see while other things are not so nice to see. Many people would call it a gift to have such vision but then I hear them say how they would use it for selfish reasons or personal gain in some way. It really doesn’t work like that but ok, people are not the same as they used to be. A lot of what I can see is not always nice because of how the world has changed. How people have changed how or why they make decisions for themselves and families. Nobody does anything for anyone anymore for the right reasons, I remember helping thy neighbor just because it was the right thing to do. These days it’s because the person wants to hold something over the other, like the famous ” you owe me…” I don’t like how this world keeps going in that direction, how about you?

Evil in this world has been growing at an alarming rate, taking everything it can as it consumes what it wants. Evil can’t touch anything that has love or hope instilled in the heart so it becomes patient only taking little bits at a time this is how the many aspects of domestic violence come into play. The cycle of power and control has emotional and mental abuse, manipulation and gaslighting, and soon will come physical abuse. The psychological warfare people use against each other this day in age is horrifying. I know from personal experience these things go beyond the realm of the here and now. This is how they are able to change the character of people from the type of person they have always been. into something they themself don’t recognize.

I have done a lot of studying on the paranormal and planetary movements. It is so much information on how it all works together not one person could ever contain all of that knowledge unless your a scientist of some sort. Even scientists have no idea how the pictures get sent from the other side to a person here, among the living. I have no way to explain how I see the things I do. Information I could have not ever known surprises people when I tell the I can see the pictures in their head as they talk because I tell them what I see and they are shocked when I’m right.

Since being burned alive I see automatically now and have a low tolerance for those who are designed to work against the common good and against God and His rules. I will always chose to use this in the right way and never misuse it, I may have done so in the past but I don’t remember everything and nobody will seem to answer any questions. Sometimes people do learn from mistakes they have made if they can look at things honestly, being aware is most important because if you don’t see it you can’t fix it. Being baptized by fire was the most horrifying thing I think I have ever experienced. The scar in the shape of a Phoenix on my leg says it all don’t you think?

We all have to be united to overcome the evil that is thriving in today’s world because of fear of one form or another, otherwise we will chose defeat and lose the love God intended for all of us to have. If you see anybody that needs help, help them because it is the right thing to do and with that small gesture it will create a million positive vibrations. It’s so much harder to carry a sour face than it is a good one so pass it along and remember, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has sight like mine.


Please comment and check out my other posts. Check out Love Fear and hope in Facebook Groups or Kim’s Blog Page on Facebook, Instagram is MsKiim or fstar3911. If you would like to send me a direct email send it to and I will answer your message in a reasonable time.

Thank You and BE WELL!

Sabotage and Manipulation

There are people who live to ruin others lives just because they can. I guess it makes them feel important, powerful, or whatever. Domestic violence goes hand in hand with evil, what I mean is how it breaks a human spirit to the lowest point where the person has no chance to get themself back to what they were before the abusive relationship and the material, mental, and emotional needs change and become non-existent as one becomes slave to master. What I believe to be the worst part of it is that it is happening to so many women and children but seems like nobody is paying attention.

I am one of those adult children of sexual abuse so I know what someone goes through when pulled into that mess. I know what it is like to never trust anybody and question everything until the death. The emotional turmoil it creates is sometimes unbearable, I catch myself sitting on the floor sunk so far into depression I wonder how long I had been sitting in the same position. I find myself falling asleep in a chair because I can’t get comfortable enough to even lay down and go to sleep, I don’t know how many times I have caught myself from falling off the chair to the ground.

My 11 year old son Aaron has a dad that is an abuser. I spent many years with that man, (Edward Collins) and let me tell you some things he has done to me. When I first moved in with him in Commerce City, Colorado I couldn’t even walk through his house because it was piled with so much crap. He had a thin trail leading to each of the doors and to the downstairs. The second bedroom should have been his daughters room but you couldn’t even get in there. It had a king sized mattress in it just thrown in. There was trash, rotten food, mice poop, dog poop and his ex wife’s clothes mixed with the daughters. It was so bad I couldn’t believe anyone really lived like that. The little girl slept in his bed with him instead of them cleaning her room.

The kitchen had dishes and rotten food piled on every counter, boxes of cereal spilled and had mice holes in the bottom of some of them. When you turned on the oven it smelled up the whole house with the smell of baked mouse poop. I looked under the cabinets under the counter and things were just shoved in and had festering mice dens in them. I have to say it was the worst place I had ever seen with my own two eyes. I had seen the show on television but didn’t think it was actually true until that moment.

I couldn’t live in that house the way it was so I started cleaning, I started with the extra bedroom downstairs, I was going to make it into a little girls room that she would want to sleep in. I started pulling things out and it was like a never ending sea of trash. I spent one whole day just cleaning up all the stuff and scrubbing everything down. The next day I put up a small bed and a side table, The sheets were washed and I found a small cute blanket to put on her bed. It looked so different and she loved it. Ed knew how much effort I put in to get that room in order for his daughter and it did not matter one bit when it came to his control issues. Not just me but he was very abusive to anyone he could to get what he wanted. He got mad at his daughter one day and told her she didn’t deserve to have a nice room and he destroyed the work I had done and her new clean spot.

He trapped me in the bathroom one time by just standing in the way, I couldn’t get past him and he was not letting me out. I tried to get out but he was not letting me, instead he was saying things to antagonize me so I would get worked up. I was doing just that, getting pissed actually. He had me so mad by the time he finally let me out I was crazy and that is what he was trying to do, make me out to be the crazy one. When he walked up the stairs to get to his truck I followed behind him, he knew I was there because I was yelling at him for what he just pulled in the bathroom. He waited until I was just about out the door when I saw him grab it and give it a big hard slam right into my face. He denies any of it.

This is called “Gas lighting”, to make you spitting nails mad so you look crazy to the outside world and eventually it makes you crazy. This man was so good at being abusive I no longer have any concept of time, I can’t seem to organize anything anymore when I used to have to have everything in it’s place so when I needed to use what ever it was I would know where it was.

The manipulation of the court and justice system when they loose their grasp on the control they have taken from you is insane. The things these abusers get away with in the courts should not be possible, because while they are ,making you crazy and stealing every ounce of the person you are they are also convincing everyone around you that he should take the kids until you can get some help. The law says that if a man has been to prison for Domestic Violence he will not get custody of any children. I found out that isn’t true when he has judges and cops in his pocket because he belongs to a prominent motorcycle club.

When I first moved in with him the whole house was sick, I was the only one who could get up and around that week so I was the one nominated to go to the store to get food for the house. I bought things to make the house a big pot of chicken soup. When I got back to the house they had all went to sleep again so I started cooking the soup. I forgot what he said he wanted me to get, he came upstairs and saw I was in the middle of making the soup. He took the pan and dumped it in the sink while yelling and calling me everything except my name. I got punched in the face like a man and had a black eye for over a month.

Now it is many, many years later and he still torments me, he vowed that if I ever left him he would ruin my life and that is exactly what he has done and continues to do. It’s not only my life he is hurting though and nothing I do or say makes any difference. My son Aaron, my daughter Stevie, and my granddaughter Addisyn, all of their lives are broken as well as mine. The youngest Addisyn has made some serious allegations to her school teacher but they don’t see a need to remove my son from his care? What court in the world does this? They take kids for less serious things than what she has brought out in the open. They are telling me the best place for Aaron is with his dad. They had me reporting to him to talk to my son when there is a permanent restraining order in place and has been since 2015.

These abusive people can and will ruin your life with any means available while paving the way to steal your kids and make you seem like your an unfit parent addicted to the drugs they used to do with you and got you hooked on. Child protective services is helping them take and keep our kids while they emotionally and verbally abuse the kids. Some of these people go beyond those points and commit violence against the child behind closed doors. The child sex trade is a giant network and needs to be dismantled. These guys and girls who sexually abuse kids and then have social services look past like nothing is going on, need to suffer some severe consequences. Those who choose not to see these things are just as guilty as the ones targeting, abusing, destroying, and then they are gone.

God says we should be forgiving like he is but I don’t see any forgiveness when a person abuses a child and never will.

People who play on the street will pay on the street so if you see something say something. Find a voice, if you don’t have one find someone who does.

Pushing Through

I was looking for a place to live because at 51 living with your mother is not high on the list of “I want to…” if you know what I mean and we had been being harrassed by the lady who manages the lot. She believes that if she says something and calls it true it is, it is not. She is the type of person who makes things up and makes the other person look like an ass while getting others to believe it, she is quite talented at it too. Then we have the neighbor lady living across the street who is my mother’s friend, she told my mom to make a schedule for me and give me times I am allowed to come over and times I am not allowed to come over. Can someone stay out of my mother’s decision making when it comes to how she treats me? Luckily when I walk my mom step by step to see the real truths she can see clearly and pushes back, it is her life and these people need to stop influencing how she is going to spend her time at home. I am also including my sister in this one because she tells mom to just listen and do what they say. She isn’t here to see what’s really going on so she has no say either. I don’t think I am wrong on this.

I came out here to heal and put my life back together after getting out of the hospital from being burned alive. I am physically healed for the most part but my emotional and mental health is not doing real well yet, I am looking for therapy now only because I notice some things about the trauma I don’t know how to fix so I need help to learn how to modify those things to be able to function again. Having PTSD is one of the more difficult mental health disorders I have had to handle because I never know what is going to set me off, I already don’t take any bullshit from anybody and I make it known I won’t play anyone’s game either, basically saying I’m a bitch already. I have come a long way since I first arrived but I am not where I need to be in order to get to where I’m going. I can’t do anyone any good if I don’t put me back together first.

I have not had the opportunity to get a job because of my condition as well, it actually got up to 120 degrees during the summer months here in Arizona. I was unaware that it actually reached those numbers anywhere on the planet. I had no option but to stay in the house not being able to handle outside heat at those kinds of numbers. I am used to being on my bicycle most of the time during the day no matter the time of year so not being able to get outside has also made me a little more out of shape than I realized and at my age it is taking a lot more work to drop the weight and get back in shape than it used to.

I had gone to the Circle K one early morning to get donuts for mom when a person named Daryl Wilson approached me. He said how he needed some help and was looking for a live in person to assist with his medical needs. He lives at 2200 East Yuma in Apache Junction, ( Jacobs Ranch ) I was interested so I asked some questions and found him shady already. Having dealt with abusers most of my life , it surprises me that I still am put in positions I have deal with these idiots. I took his number and said I would stop by to chat. I could see he honestly needed help, I still had some hesitation but went ahead and moved in with all things considered.

It took only a few days before his true colors shown through, the sexual comments started by asking me if I was faithful to my boyfriend. Plus this guy wouldn’t let me bring any of my things in the house. He made me keep it all outside until I could go through everything piece by piece to check for bugs. It wasn’t long at all for me to see he is an abuser. One of those people who refuse to give you your property while telling everyone you stole his shit and then he ends up with everything you own and your made out to be a thief to the community. Beautiful right?

These things are the RED FLAGS I talk about and how the breakdown of character happens over time, all abusers have the same behaviors which in turn keeps the victim living in the same shit no matter the change of partners.

I did get my property back by going to the court and to the police station to get a standby. The look on his face when the two officers approached him was great, he had the garage door open and was in the front yard. He turned white as a ghost and had to find the chair to sit down. It took me all night to move everything but I got it done. I was so proud of myself.

In order to get through today and tomorrow I have to constantly keep reminding myself I have great things to accomplish and I have to keep moving forward being careful to make good decisions. I really just want to set everything that is tainted on fire but know that is not possible. Soon God will come and I hope, reset all the bad stuff.

Until next time take special notice of things that are out of the ordinary and seem questionable, if you see someone who needs help, help them without wanting anything in return. If you can’t help say something to a person you know will help.


Ms Kiim

Mental and Emotional

Being a mom I know I will never stop worrying about my kids and that is what is normal, but when I think about my daughter it is a different story. I love my daughter with all my heart and I know that I am responsible for some of the issues she struggles with. I hold a pain in my heart for all the suffering I have caused her and I am so sorry for not being in her life when she was young. I have no excuse for any of it or am I trying to excuse my behavior by placing blame on anyone.

I used to drink so much I am surprised I could function half the time. I wish I had had a better life and was raised differently so she could have had a better chance and not been through the system at a young age, and I mean that for all of my kids, I believe they all should have had at least a chance at a better life.

I have had more abusive relationships in my life than not, this has had a big effect on me throughout the many years that have gone by. Most every one started out okay and then I get my feelings attached to the person and it turns bad. I noticed abusers like to have control of everything, they target your feelings for them and crush everything you built those on. Trust, love, honesty, being faithful, the affection, intimacy, these are all good things to have with a partner but when these things are betrayed in the relationship it creates an emotional pain like none other. At first I just moved on, I remember thinking to myself he was just a bad person, and that I could do better. I deserved to be treated better and it was pretty easy to move on to the next person. Looking back on that time in my life now I know I was still picking the same kind of person and I was in the same position that I had been in when I started the last relationship, which means I was dating people from the bars I used to go to and that was not turning out well at all. What did I really expect? That I would some day meet the perfect man in a bar?

One time I had fallen head over heels for a man names Jon. He was handsome. His smile made his eyes glow and light up a bright blue. He was smart and worked a lot but he always made time for me. I stole from him when I left his house, why I did does not excuse the behavior and had I known then what I have learned about myself since that time I would have not started out like that. Even so, Jon let me back in, he still wanted to be with me and I thought it was admirable. The relationship went on for about three years but toward the end is when it got bad, he was very emotionally abusive. He knew how I felt about him but none of that mattered anymore.

I had gotten us a place to stay and we had been living together for a little while when he convinced the person we were staying with that I had stole his phone. I didn’t steal the phone and he actually had the thing in his hand as he was telling this guy why he was getting rid of all of my belongings, because I stole his phone. I got kicked out, he got rid of everything I had, clothes, shoes, makeup, all my shower stuff, blankets, coats, suitcases, everything. I had no change of clothes, nothing to shower with or clean up, it was all gone and I got kicked to the street.

Some time later we got a room at a motel, he knew how I felt about him still and since I love so deeply he knew I didn’t want anyone besides him but he would accuse me of some really gross things, things I would never do, shit some things I never heard of and wondered what he was talking about. One night I ended going to jail and when I got my phone and turned it on I found he had sent me a video. He said he wanted me to know what it felt like to be cheated on, it was a video of a woman giving him oral sex. It crushed me because I knew I had never cheated on him and I was pretty sure he knew that as well.

The next person I got involved with turned out to be the one of the most dangerous, I had been set on fire. After a while you have to ask yourself what’s wrong with me that all these different men just keep hurting you? I already have some mental health issues but this made it all worse. Now I just don’t get involved with anyone because it is better to be alone than keep up trying to find someone who will love me the way I see it should be, thew same way I would love and protect them I expect in return. I won’t be wasting any more time with that, instead I have made the decision to put that time and effort into my kids and building a better life, alone.


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